Monday, May 11, 2015

How Come No One Ever Told Me

I have been trying for a week to sit down and write a little, for fear I would forget the tremendous range of emotions that I have been feeling. I still feel that I do not have the words, nevertheless, I will regret it later if I don't, for my own sake, take a moment to try.

Ten days ago my life changed forever when I brought this most amazing little guy into the world. Most incredible day of my life.

I have always been the one who knew I would be a mom someday, but was hesitant to take that step. Indeed, I never stopped being nervous about it throughout my whole pregnancy.  I remember a few years ago one of my sisters was telling me about a movie she watched (I don't even know what movie) in which a woman who did not want to have children got pregnant by mistake. When she was holding her new baby in her arms, she was crying as she said, "how come no one ever told  me it would be this way." I remember getting choked up when my sister told me about that scene, because I knew the inevitable moment would come when I would be that woman holding my new little baby and thinking the same thing.

Well the moment has come, and the range of emotions that I have experienced in the last ten days is indescribable. The moment they placed this little guy on my chest I felt a surge of love within me that no one could ever have found the words to describe. It is something merely to be felt. I wish I could relive that moment. He just lay there and looked in my eyes, as if he were listening to my familiar heartbeat, recognizing that I was his mom.

Everything that was once important to me is fading away in comparison to the needs of this little human who depends on me for everything. Sometimes I want to just sit and cry for fear that I am doing an inadequate job, but little Levi looks up at me as if I were the greatest thing in the world. My sister asked me if now that I knew how wonderful it was, if I wished that I had started this journey of motherhood long ago. Quite the contrary, I feel so thankful that I am still in the midst of this beautiful experience. 

A little bit of rambling... but later I will be thankful that I at least attempted to jot down what is in my heart. Here is my little prince five days old. The cutest thing in the world.

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