Instead of lamenting my failure over the last two months I am going to accept the fact that I will not be composing something grand about my experience as a mother thus far. It just isn’t going to happen at this point in my life, unfortunately. However, I am going to stop waiting for the perfect words and the perfect time and just take a minute to talk about the little things. After all, it is all the little things that make up each of our unique journeys in life.
Levi is changing every day. His familiar little face is so different from the first moment I saw him. Silly me, it makes my heart ache to see how much bigger he is. I just want to hold on to these moments. I remember when he was only five days old I was feeling so upset about how fast the time was going, longing for him to stay small. Then my sister brought over my little nephew 8 weeks old and he was smiling at his mommy so much. It made me realize how much I looked forward to Levi smiling at me. Therefore the time passing wasn’t scary, as long as I treasured each moment and every little event in Levi’s growth.
The first time he smiled at me I remember distinctly. I got a lump in my throat as he tried to communicate his love for me through his little expression. It was amazing. He smiles at me all the time now and I am amazed how every single time it just melts my heart. He talks to me with his little angelic voice, letting me know he loves me. There are no words to describe the love I feel for this little person.
Life is full of all sorts of adventures in his small life. It makes me sad to think that my memory will allow all the cute little details to fade. But I am going to jot down a few things that literally fill my heart with joy. For weeks he has been trying desperately to suck his thumb. I don’t really want him to be a thumb sucker, but every time I see him trying to suckle I have to laugh at how cute it is. Even when I hear the little sucking noise when he is lying in his bed I smile. Such cute noises he makes. Recently he has found his hands to be very interesting. He is always playing with them, folding them and unfolding them, clasping his fingers. It is so precious.
Since the moment he was born he was bright eyed and alert. That has been accentuated as he has gotten older. He loves to stare at so many things. My mom says that he sees angels. I am inclined to agree, he has such amazing peace upon him. If he is not staring off into one specific corner of the room, lately his eyes have been following me, tracking everywhere I am going. If he is lying on my bed and I am moving around he moves his head in order to see where I am. His eyes stay locked on me. I love it. Sometimes he gets the most adorable little worried expression. I am not even sure why, but his brows knit and he looks around like he is not sure about something. I love it. And his big, bright eyes, amazing. Sometimes they look perfectly round, they are so big. Oh man, he is a special boy.
There is one little detail that I want to get a picture of so badly. When he is going down for a nap and I go over to comfort him, I put his pacifier in his mouth and hold it in with my hand resting against his check and head. He takes both of his little hands and puts them on top of mine. It is as if he is trying to keep me there. It is the sweetest thing in the world.
Sometimes when he has been awake and fussy for a little while, we go out and sit on the deck together. I face him out and he quiets down immediately as his head bobs back and forth looking at everything there is to see. We have sat there for twenty minutes at a time as his eyes soak in the surroundings. He finds everything so interesting. I have moments of being happy when he is going down for a nap so that I can get stuff done. But after only a little while, I miss him. When I think I hear movement from his crib or a little noise I get excited that I can pick him up and cuddle him. My favorite thing in the word is when he cuddles on my chest, especially when he is awake and just looking around content to have his mommy’s arms around him. I just hope that he can feel how much he is loved.
I really can’t believe it has been two months. But at the same time, what did I ever do without this wonderful little person?
Well gone are the days of late night profundity and inspiration. But I would never revert back considering what I have now… late night ramblings of a mommy so in love.